Ten things that piss me off about . . . IHOP

Katherine Millard, IV Leader Columnist

This week, I was pondering over what I hate. In my mind, I saw a blue roof. My choice was clear. I obviously had to write my column about a beloved, nation-wide breakfast food chain. This week, let’s explore The Ten Things That Piss Me Off About IHOP.
1. I really question just how “international” this house of pancakes is. Just because they serve crepes and fajita omelets doesn’t really make them that international. It just seems like a lot of American or American-adopted cuisine to me. Show me your Icelandic foods!
2. The eggs suck really badly, but I’m quite sure that if one was very dehydrated, that person should order the scrambled eggs. Seriously, there is so much water.
3. I will not pay $9.50 for pancakes, bacon, and eggs. That’s outrageous. Cheap cuisine, my ass. I actually, don’t go there enough to memorize the prices, but I do know that the food is never worth it.
4. They get really pissy when someone tries to play cards. Obviously, playing cards will be super disruptive to other diners. Just kidding, you guys. They’re just dicks.
5. People eat here instead of at locally run restaurants. To be fair though, I do hold this against most national food chains. But for the love of all things holy, people, go eat at a diner or something.
6. They sued a church. Actually, I don’t know how much this actually pisses me off, but the church was probably doing more for people than causing diabetes and obesity.
7. They are really strict about their kids menu. None of the servers ever believes that I am 11, either. I got served off the kids menu once and I’m quite sure it was just because the waiter thought I was intoxicated and would cause a major ruckus.
8. They put pancake batter in the omelet mix. This is clearly unnatural.
9. My friends and I were asked to be quiet once. That would be fair, as we can get pretty rowdy, except for the fact that this was a rare occasion when we were being super tame. We should’ve gotten Gold Stars just for being the only non-intoxicated customers there that night.
10. Apparently, they torture their chickens and do nasty stuff like leave the carcasses in with live hens. At least, this is what Wikipedia tells me. Tasty, right?
Most of these are probably pretty irrational, but hey, it’s late and I can hate what I want to. And I can end my sentences with prepositions.