Welcome to the world of things that piss me off.
Some of these are universal, while some of these will probably only apply to me. The point of this column is not to go on a full-on rant about everything, although it will occasionally, okay, likely come off as that.
Some of you will relate to this column. Others will probably feel like you are being personally victimized by Katherine Millard.
Trust me, you’re not; however, if your personal attributes are showing up in these lists quite frequently, perhaps it is time for a life adjustment. If you’re looking for Earth shattering social commentary about something you can actually relate to, the next issue may have to be sufficient.
Before I go on a tirade about others, I figured I would do the same to myself. I won’t dish it if I can’t take it. Luckily, I can take it.
So, in the spirit of fairness, this first column is Ten Things I That Piss Me Off About…Myself.
1. I am completely unmotivated to do simple chores. I haven’t done laundry in, like, a week. Pretty soon I’ll be down to plaid pajama pants and my unexplainable “Love an Engineer” T- shirt. Then, I won’t go out in public.
2. I am always right. This has almost ruined many a friendship. Even if I am completely wrong, there is a loophole, and alas, I am right.
3. I compare books to films, and I almost always end up disappointed. Speaking of which, whoever adapted “My Sister’s Keeper” is getting a swift kick in the shins should I ever cross his or her path.
4. I can’t cut my hair short, or else I look like a 14-year-old British boy. That or everyone majorly questions my sexuality.
5. I cry really easily. I watched the last 10 minutes of the movie “Bicentennial Man,” and I cried. Ten minutes is seriously not enough time to get invested in a character. It’s just embarrassing.
6. I have a staring problem. Sometimes, I just can’t stop myself. I think this contributes to people thinking that I’m a budding sociopath.
7. I have awful habits. I bite my nails, crack every joint in my body, and swear like a sailor.
8. I can’t run to save my life. I get winded after about .25 miles. Man, if I ever got chased by a mugger, or a rapist, or a German Shepherd, it would be the end of me.
9. I have a shameless love of random pop music. As much as I’d like everyone to believe that I only listen to The Black Keys, The New Pornographers, and Bright Eyes, I adore songs like “MMMbop,” and not in an ironic way. I am, in fact, currently listening to Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me).” I don’t hate that I love it, I hate that I lack shame for it.
10. Sometimes, I wear really strange things, because I genuinely like them. People stare when I wear them. I own red, metallic shorts, a full 1980’s style marching band uniform, a little boys’ extra small, glow-in-the-dark Star Wars shirt, a multitude of ugly sweaters, and five-inch gold glitter pumps. In my own defense, I don’t wear them together.
So, that pretty much sums up what I dislike about myself. The list could go on and on, but I capped it at 10 in the tradition of the classic piece of cinematic gold, “Ten Things I Hate About You.”
Check out the next issue, where I will harshly discuss what pisses me off about some other random facet of life.